General Malaise's Malaise...

It is 5:00 pm and I find myself drunk, frustrated, depressed, horny, unmotivated to work, and finally, the lone pilot at the controls of a desperate shame spiral.  Basically, your average Thursday afternoon.  What has brought this shame spiral on, you ask?  Of course, there is always the daily drumbeat of global problems that weigh on an individual--national elections, the plight of the Navajo, the mind-numbing, almost mongoloid-like persistence of the "Jesus died for my sins so I'll have eternal life" charade.  There's also the every day weight of personal concerns--becoming a reprehensible fat person, experiencing a variety of malfunctioning organs in your body, the struggle to control one's sexual urges during Google image searches for 'Dolly Parton'. Aside from these petty trivialities though, and in an effort to pull myself out of my self-described doldrums for good, I've decided to publish a personal ten-point manifesto to immediately guide me (and my readers) to a much happier, healthier, more productive life (to take effect no sooner than January 1st, 2009):

1.  Stop taking things so seriously.  Consequences are usually overblown.  This includes unfounded fears of repercussions on politics, religion, deadlines, family relationships, and anonymous sex in Del Taco restrooms.

2.  Worry less about people, especially those you care most about.  They will find their own way.  Even if they are incapacitated by a stroke or die, you are not obligated to do and/or feel something about it.  In fact, a person with real conviction on this matter would kill their friends or family before something bad happens in order to be intellectually consistent on this point.  (Note to self:  put together list of those you "care about most").     

3.  Stop being guilty about drinking so much.  Drinking is fun and makes everything way better.  The more you drink, the better things will be.  If expressed as a math equation:  25 Pina Coladas/Day + No Guilt = Successful Fun Life.  Also, one more thing.  I love all of the readers of my blog.  I love you guys, I do.  The first time I met you, I thought you were all assholes, but now I totally love you.

4.  Encourage yourself to express your anger.  This is an important one to not hold back on.  Yelling is underrated, as is screaming as loud as you can.  Especially to/at your children.  It's the only way they will understand.  Make yourself heard to your wife and children.  Make yourself better in their eyes by being as loud and honest as you can.  This will help everyone.

5.  Stop being so confused.  Your first answer to a question or situation is usually the best answer, so go with it.  Don't over-intellectualize.  Don't ask questions.  It's better to apologize than ask permission.  What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.  This is not a confession, so don't read anything into this.  Don't feel like you have to justify anything by unprompted denials.  I'm not justifying anything, nothing happened.  This is not an unprompted denial.  Okay, onto number six.

6.  See the good inside of you, not the bad.  Or, stated another way:  I see the glass 15% full, not 85% empty. 

7.  Prayer changes nothing.  I haven't prayed since my mid-20's (an embarrassment in and of itself to admit (praying at all, that is)), but just in case I start getting into old habits and revert, I want to nip this one in the bud right now.  Praying to God is essentially mumbling to yourself like a homeless person.  Actually, I've talked with a lot of homeless people, and even they've stopped praying.  Why most people don't equate praying with insanity is completely beyond The General.   

8.  More boners.  Enough said.  (Note:  This is more of your own boners, not somebody else's.  Dealing with your own boner is a very pleasurable experience.  Dealing with somebody else's boner is not pleasurable, except to approximately 9.7% of the American male population).  

9.  Let yourself off the hook.  You don't really have anything to live for, but that doesn't mean that you're not important to the people around you.  Mostly because they have even less to live for, so by comparison, you look really good.  Take heart in your razor thin advantage over your family and the rest of the masses.

10.  To not have friends, you have to not be a friend.  Don't be afraid to shut people out.  You can be the change you seek, even if that change means being isolated forever.  This will greatly cut down on your expenses.  Being frugal isn't just a financial consideration, it's an emotional one.  Be frugal with your emotions, and the savings you reap will be substantial.  

I feel like the preceding ten points are the foundation to a new and improved me.  Please feel free to spread this virally across the web and let's get as many people as we can involved in curing General Malaise's Malaise!