General Malaise's Malaise...

It is 5:00 pm and I find myself drunk, frustrated, depressed, horny, unmotivated to work, and finally, the lone pilot at the controls of a desperate shame spiral.  Basically, your average Thursday afternoon.  What has brought this shame spiral on, you ask?  Of course, there is always the daily drumbeat of global problems that weigh on an individual--national elections, the plight of the Navajo, the mind-numbing, almost mongoloid-like persistence of the "Jesus died for my sins so I'll have eternal life" charade.  There's also the every day weight of personal concerns--becoming a reprehensible fat person, experiencing a variety of malfunctioning organs in your body, the struggle to control one's sexual urges during Google image searches for 'Dolly Parton'. Aside from these petty trivialities though, and in an effort to pull myself out of my self-described doldrums for good, I've decided to publish a personal ten-point manifesto to immediately guide me (and my readers) to a much happier, healthier, more productive life (to take effect no sooner than January 1st, 2009):

1.  Stop taking things so seriously.  Consequences are usually overblown.  This includes unfounded fears of repercussions on politics, religion, deadlines, family relationships, and anonymous sex in Del Taco restrooms.

2.  Worry less about people, especially those you care most about.  They will find their own way.  Even if they are incapacitated by a stroke or die, you are not obligated to do and/or feel something about it.  In fact, a person with real conviction on this matter would kill their friends or family before something bad happens in order to be intellectually consistent on this point.  (Note to self:  put together list of those you "care about most").     

3.  Stop being guilty about drinking so much.  Drinking is fun and makes everything way better.  The more you drink, the better things will be.  If expressed as a math equation:  25 Pina Coladas/Day + No Guilt = Successful Fun Life.  Also, one more thing.  I love all of the readers of my blog.  I love you guys, I do.  The first time I met you, I thought you were all assholes, but now I totally love you.

4.  Encourage yourself to express your anger.  This is an important one to not hold back on.  Yelling is underrated, as is screaming as loud as you can.  Especially to/at your children.  It's the only way they will understand.  Make yourself heard to your wife and children.  Make yourself better in their eyes by being as loud and honest as you can.  This will help everyone.

5.  Stop being so confused.  Your first answer to a question or situation is usually the best answer, so go with it.  Don't over-intellectualize.  Don't ask questions.  It's better to apologize than ask permission.  What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.  This is not a confession, so don't read anything into this.  Don't feel like you have to justify anything by unprompted denials.  I'm not justifying anything, nothing happened.  This is not an unprompted denial.  Okay, onto number six.

6.  See the good inside of you, not the bad.  Or, stated another way:  I see the glass 15% full, not 85% empty. 

7.  Prayer changes nothing.  I haven't prayed since my mid-20's (an embarrassment in and of itself to admit (praying at all, that is)), but just in case I start getting into old habits and revert, I want to nip this one in the bud right now.  Praying to God is essentially mumbling to yourself like a homeless person.  Actually, I've talked with a lot of homeless people, and even they've stopped praying.  Why most people don't equate praying with insanity is completely beyond The General.   

8.  More boners.  Enough said.  (Note:  This is more of your own boners, not somebody else's.  Dealing with your own boner is a very pleasurable experience.  Dealing with somebody else's boner is not pleasurable, except to approximately 9.7% of the American male population).  

9.  Let yourself off the hook.  You don't really have anything to live for, but that doesn't mean that you're not important to the people around you.  Mostly because they have even less to live for, so by comparison, you look really good.  Take heart in your razor thin advantage over your family and the rest of the masses.

10.  To not have friends, you have to not be a friend.  Don't be afraid to shut people out.  You can be the change you seek, even if that change means being isolated forever.  This will greatly cut down on your expenses.  Being frugal isn't just a financial consideration, it's an emotional one.  Be frugal with your emotions, and the savings you reap will be substantial.  

I feel like the preceding ten points are the foundation to a new and improved me.  Please feel free to spread this virally across the web and let's get as many people as we can involved in curing General Malaise's Malaise! 

   

e.e. cummings: grocery list 43...

a poem by milo deceiving

milk

t

oilet paper - (two

ply)

trash

   bags

tooth paste

bread (whole

            wheat)

sugar-

c(off)ee (nescafe)

  paper

plates

soa  p:  ivory

frozen lemon+ade

"grapes?"

h

o

t

d

o

g

b u n s

Fan Mail...

A short story by Milo Deceiving

Hi Everybody!

Sleeping Beauty has kissed me on the lips and awakened me from a long and glorious slumber!  It's true!  I just returned from an exciting journey around the world that took me to the golden beaches of Australia.  I was there on a convention tour promoting my new booklet, "Unleash Your Creative Vision!" with coauthor Christopher Venezuela.  We met so many wonderful and generous people!  The beaches were much like Florida's, only cleaner--and the women were absolutely delicious.  Their accents drove me crazy!

I've been busier in the last three weeks that I have in my whole life.  I'm finally beginning to do what I've always wanted to--create a life with other people who share a common vision and desire!

As you can all tell I've fallen a little behind with my fan mail again.  That's so typical!  Thank you all for the continued patience, love, and support--because without you, I'd just be me.  Enough yapping, onto the fan mail!

Onward & Inward,

Raymond

Dear Raymond,

Ever since Passion Cove went off the air I haven't seen you in anything.  What have you been doing?  -Melissa.

Dear Melissa,

Taking my life back, that's what!  For starters, I lead a series of corporate lectures called, "Taking It All Back!"  They focus on shaking up our foundations and challenging us to move beyond our limited ways of thinking.  All ten people at my recent Hollywood lecture were able to break boards with their bare hands!  They also agreed it was a very nourishing place to rediscover their heart's desires.  It was inspiring to watch them realize how powerful they truly are.  There were many breakthroughs, a lot of laughs, and a few tears.  It was a tremendous bonding experience for all of us.

Dear Raymond,

Is it true that ever since Passion Cove was cancelled you've had trouble getting acting jobs?  -Sharon.

Dear Sharon,

Hardly.  My radio show, "You Can Do It!" is going very strong every Sunday night at 2:30 AM (PST).  I'm also putting together a film co-op with several very talented actor friends of mine.  As I've always said, my heart lies in trying to create high quality films that cost very little to make.  Also, I recently took a meeting with a cable-access producer who was very excited about my ideas.  He said he'd be in touch very soon so cross your fingers!

Dear Raymond,

When you were on Passion Cove did you ever have any real-life romances with any of the leading ladies?  -Stacie.

Dear Stacie,

Unfortunately no romances bloomed on the show, although I did have a secret crush on Sarah Perkins, Anne Morris, Monica Stevens, Michelle Ford, Carol White, Mary Patterson, Laurel Franklin, Jessica Truman, Becky Reynolds, and Tina Andrews.  I consider them all dear friends.

Dear Raymond,

As Dr. Fuego on Passion Cove, you worked with so many wonderful actors.  Who would you like to work with again?  -Dawn.

Dear Dawn,

See answer to previous question.

Dear Raymond,

I've heard rumors of a Passion Cove reunion, is that really true?  -Holly.

Dear Holly,

Even it if it were, I'm not sure it's something I'd be interested in doing.  I've grown a lot since then.  Lately, my most gratifying work has been done on the stage.  The writing is better, the characters richer, and it's a much more fulfilling experience than television ever was.  I've also been busy developing a new card game.

Dear Raymond,

Do you regret Passion Cove being cancelled?  I'll bet it was pretty good money.  -Wendy.

Dear Wendy,

I was on Passion Cove three years ago.  I've done a lot of things with my life since then.  Take a look at my comic book Microscopic Militia for example--it's sold over 500 copies in two months!  American infantrymen are miniaturized and injected into the bloodstream of their enemies.  They literally attack them from the inside!  It's creative, provocative, and the kids love it.  I ask you, Wendy, just because a man is the size of a white blood cell, does that make him any less of a patriotic American?

Dear Raymond,

My friend Bill saw you at the supermarket and said you threw a tomato at him when he asked about Passion Cove.  Is that true?  -Grace.

Dear Grace,

I have never thrown a tomato at anyone in my life.  But I've sure had a few thrown at me--on stage that is!

Dear Raymond,

Did you really have sex with a chicken?  If so, was it on the set of Passion Cove?  -Linda.

Dear Linda,

That case was thrown out.

Dear Raymond,

Next to Tilden St. Claire and Bert Donaldson, I thought you were the sexiest actor on Passion Cove.  How come they're still on TV and you're not?  -Emma.

Dear Emma,

Let's just say that certain P.C. cast members whose initials are T.S.C. and B.D. were better at, how should I say this tactfully, better at kissing the grossly obese asses of the megalomaniac producers.  Those so-called "producers" were not interested in anything other than scoring coke and "bumping uglies with sixteen year-old mattress thrashers."  I don't wish ill on anyone, but the lack of professionalism on that producing team was disgusting.  Those men were the antithesis of what I'm trying to do with my life.  They were nothing but sleazy, money-grubbing, self-aggrandizing tit merchants.

Dear Raymond,

If you could play any character besides Dr. Louis Fuego on Passion Cove, who would it be?  -Molly.

Dear Molly,

That's easy, Ghandi.  Ghandi or Jesus.

If you would like to purchase any of Raymond's tapes, booklets, card games, comics, magic tricks, recipes, or if you would like to have him speak at a luncheon or seminar, please mail your check or money order (in U.S. funds) to:

RAYMOND EDGAR PRODUCTIONS, LLC

P.O. BOX 3479

CHATSWORTH, CA 90064

Just Who Is General Malaise?...

As I received exactly zero reader comments on my inaugural post, it occurred to me there must be a vast, silent majority of fans out there who are interested in knowing more about the real General Malaise.  Is he really a General?  Is he as handsome as his prose suggests?  Was he born with extra fingers or toes?  (Yes to all three questions, incidentally).  In an effort to be more accessible to my readers, I am reprinting the following interview I gave to the New York Times several years ago which delves into my thoughts on a wide variety of subjects:

When were you happiest?

If you define happiness as a state of well-being and contentment, then I have no idea what you're talking about.

What is your greatest fear?

That I am too beautiful for this world.

What is your earliest memory?

Running down the crack of my mama's ass and ending up a brown stain on the mattress.

Which living person do you most admire?

My auto-biographer.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

That I'm a dribbler and not a spurter.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Leaving their used band-aids in my shower.

What was your most embarrassing moment?

When I publicly declared myself the Son of God on Larry King Live, only to be corrected by Tonya Harding that Jesus Christ had beaten me to it by several thousand years. 

What is your most treasured possession?

My "Bowl of Scabs Since Birth" collection.

What makes you depressed?

That I wasn't bright enough to create the Girls Gone Wild video franchise.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?

That I'm frequently mistaken for an S & M Bear.  Not good.

What is your most unappealing habit?

Using toenail clippings instead of coconut shavings to make deep fried coconut shrimp.

What is your guiltiest pleasure?

Killing small animals without my pulse rising or remorse.

What do you owe your parents?

A never-ending stream of hate mail for ever bringing me into this goddamned fucking world.  Other than that, I'm quite fond of them.

To whom would you most like to say sorry, and why?

To all the women I've made love to but who required an emergency episiotomy afterwards because of my size.    

What is the definition of love?

For women, it's intimacy, security and trust.  For men, it starts with a 'buh' and ends with a 'low job'.

Wh0 or what is the love of your life?

Who.

What is your favorite smell?

Let me sit on that one for a moment.

Have you ever said 'I love you' and not meant it?

The appropriate question is have I ever said it and actually meant it once?

Which living person do you most despise, and why?

Milo Deceiving, for reasons only he and I will ever know.  

What is the worst job you've ever done?

I believe it's called fatherhood.

What has been your biggest disappointment?

The individual accomplishments of my family and friends.  Nobody's stepped up once.

If you could edit your past, what would you change?

I would redact every major bout of diarrhea from the record.

If you could go back in time, where would you go?

I would travel to 1985 and sit in on the recording session of Huey Lewis's 'Back in Time'.

How do you relax?

By staring directly into the sun twenty minutes a day.

How often do you have sex?

With my spouse, twice a week.  If masturbation is included in the definition of sex, then on the advice of counsel I respectfully assert my Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination.

What is the closest you have come to death?

Actually dying.

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?

An unlimited supply of Mojo Potatoes.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Getting up every morning before eleven o'clock.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?

I prefer to think of it as I'm teaching life a thing or two.

Tell us a secret.  

The password is 'Frisbatarianism'.

10 Commandments (1st Draft)...

By YAHWEH

1603 BC

A short story by Milo Deceiving

On a recent excavation near the Mount Sinai region, several amateur archeologists unearthed an antiquated stone tablet.  Though its authenticity is being hotly contested by theologians the world over, leading scientists say initial tests show the table to be thousands of years old.  On the tablet was chiseled the following text: 

1.  You shall have no other gods before me.  Behind me or to the side is just fine, just not in front.  If they are in front, please make sure they are crouched or kneeling.

2.  You shall not make for yourself a graven image.

Note to SELF:  Not exactly sure what this one means but I like the word "graven".  It's mysterious, a little goth, and has undeniable edge.  On the next pass, try and find a word that rhymes with graven for alliteration.

Second Note:  Graven Image would make a great band name.  Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Graven Image!  I like this even more now.  Tell Mitch about it at lunch.

3.  You shall not take the name of your God in vain.  If it's any other god, fine, I really don't give a shit.  Just don't put him before me.  Wait, I covered that already.  See 1.

4.  Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.  Also abstain from Parmesan cheese.

5.  Honor your father and your mother on a biweekly basis with Certificates of Achievement.  The presentation shall be followed promptly by an incest party and is to include both cake and punch.

6.  You shall not murder.  Except for your brother, your son, your daughter, your wife, or any friend who wants to serve other gods.  I recommend a sword, but a rock will also work.  Don't go easy on uppity slaves or cattle either.

7.  You shall not commit adultery on the Sabbath.  Monday through Saturday is totally cool, but keep it in your robe on Sunday.  And sodomitic abomination is reserved specifically for Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.

Note to SELF:  Limit sodomitic abomination to only three days a week?  Something to think about.

Second Note:  Sodomitic Abomination would make a pretty badass band name.  I'm definitely giving Mitch some good options here.  The only name he's come up with so far is Cosmic Dust Bunnies.  Talk about lame.

8.  You shall not steal second base at any point during the game.

9.  You shall not covet your neighbor's house, you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his manservant, or his maidservant, or his ox, or his ass, or anything that is your neighbor's.

Note to SELF:  Too topical?  Nah, go with it.  Everyone will always have asses and oxen.

Overall Thoughts:  Off to a good start.  Some pretty profound stuff here.  On the next pass, look for ways to trim it down a little.  Economy is key.  Also, is 10 really the way to go?  Would it seem more substantial if it were 50 or 100?  Something to think about.  Get feedback from Mitch then present him with a Certificate of Achievement.

Milo's Lists: #1...

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The Inaugural Post...

General Malaise was angry and sad tonight.  For a variety of reasons too boring to go into here.  Suffice it to say I decided to do something productive about this anger and sadness, so I got on the treadmill to work things out.  Not that I exercised.  Rather, I just sat on the treadmill and ate two McRib sandwiches.  You might be asking yourselves, "Aren't McRib sandwiches out of season?  And if so, where did General Malaise get two of them?"  Let's just say General Malaise, through respect for his vast military accomplishments and for his daily drive-thru patronage, has many favors owed him by local McDonald's manager Gilberto Gonzalez and leave the rest to be determined by my biographer. 

I would like to officially welcome you to the High & Gruesome blog.  I probably should have written that first.  But then again, this blog seeks to explore all things out of sync with "real life", so perhaps the belated greeting is appropriately placed.  I have no idea what this blog will transform into ultimately, but I can say with some assurance that it will do its best to avoid relying on the witticisms of Mr. T too much.  There will be a concerted effort to use poo-poo naughty language a lot, because poo-poo naughty language tends to make the fearful simple people (FSP's) angry.  I try to go out of my way to be kind to FSP's, but sometimes it's really hard not to want to hurt them, and hurt them badly (mostly for how their votes cancel out mine in the general election; and before you say it, 'general election' is not a colleague of mine).  I also personally promise to be as sexually explicit and tasteless as possible when the need arises.  For example, Wikipedia defines the "Rusty Trombone" as follows:  

"Rusty Trombone is a euphemism for a sexual act in which a man stands with his knees and back slightly bent, with feet at least shoulder width apart in order to expose the anus [1].  The other partner typically is on his or her knees behind the man and performs analingus while reaching up beneath the testicles or around the body to masturbate the man, mimicking the motions of a trombone player [1][2].  The act is defined primarily by the physical orientation of the partners and the combination of analingus with manual penile stimulation; however, other positions and variations are possible [2]."  

General Malaise finds this fascinating.  Wikipedia goes on to say:  

"There are numerous health risks involved in coming into oral contact with a person's anus.  There is a risk of infection from coming in direct contact with human feces.  Consuming feces increases the risk of infection.  The health risks include such diseases as infectious hepatitis and parasitic intestinal infections [citation needed]."

One of the best things about this health warning is that it seemingly does not have any downsides for diabetics.  General Malaise has been afflicted with diabetes for most of his life, and virtually everything is a pitfall for those with a dysfunctional pancreas.  Glad to see that a Rusty Trombone didn't make the list and I can now have someone practice good ambesure on my asshole without fear of my blood sugar rising!  It could be the breakthrough of the century!

In short, I am less angry and sad now after kicking off the inaugural post.  I have no idea what my associate Milo Deceiving might be doing with his half of the blog, but like all great knee-jerk reactionaries, he has something to work off of now.  Welcome readers to the High & Gruesome family.  I salute you.

Best,

General Malaise