10 Commandments (1st Draft)...

By YAHWEH

1603 BC

A short story by Milo Deceiving

On a recent excavation near the Mount Sinai region, several amateur archeologists unearthed an antiquated stone tablet.  Though its authenticity is being hotly contested by theologians the world over, leading scientists say initial tests show the table to be thousands of years old.  On the tablet was chiseled the following text: 

1.  You shall have no other gods before me.  Behind me or to the side is just fine, just not in front.  If they are in front, please make sure they are crouched or kneeling.

2.  You shall not make for yourself a graven image.

Note to SELF:  Not exactly sure what this one means but I like the word "graven".  It's mysterious, a little goth, and has undeniable edge.  On the next pass, try and find a word that rhymes with graven for alliteration.

Second Note:  Graven Image would make a great band name.  Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Graven Image!  I like this even more now.  Tell Mitch about it at lunch.

3.  You shall not take the name of your God in vain.  If it's any other god, fine, I really don't give a shit.  Just don't put him before me.  Wait, I covered that already.  See 1.

4.  Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.  Also abstain from Parmesan cheese.

5.  Honor your father and your mother on a biweekly basis with Certificates of Achievement.  The presentation shall be followed promptly by an incest party and is to include both cake and punch.

6.  You shall not murder.  Except for your brother, your son, your daughter, your wife, or any friend who wants to serve other gods.  I recommend a sword, but a rock will also work.  Don't go easy on uppity slaves or cattle either.

7.  You shall not commit adultery on the Sabbath.  Monday through Saturday is totally cool, but keep it in your robe on Sunday.  And sodomitic abomination is reserved specifically for Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.

Note to SELF:  Limit sodomitic abomination to only three days a week?  Something to think about.

Second Note:  Sodomitic Abomination would make a pretty badass band name.  I'm definitely giving Mitch some good options here.  The only name he's come up with so far is Cosmic Dust Bunnies.  Talk about lame.

8.  You shall not steal second base at any point during the game.

9.  You shall not covet your neighbor's house, you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his manservant, or his maidservant, or his ox, or his ass, or anything that is your neighbor's.

Note to SELF:  Too topical?  Nah, go with it.  Everyone will always have asses and oxen.

Overall Thoughts:  Off to a good start.  Some pretty profound stuff here.  On the next pass, look for ways to trim it down a little.  Economy is key.  Also, is 10 really the way to go?  Would it seem more substantial if it were 50 or 100?  Something to think about.  Get feedback from Mitch then present him with a Certificate of Achievement.