Just Who Is General Malaise?...

As I received exactly zero reader comments on my inaugural post, it occurred to me there must be a vast, silent majority of fans out there who are interested in knowing more about the real General Malaise.  Is he really a General?  Is he as handsome as his prose suggests?  Was he born with extra fingers or toes?  (Yes to all three questions, incidentally).  In an effort to be more accessible to my readers, I am reprinting the following interview I gave to the New York Times several years ago which delves into my thoughts on a wide variety of subjects:

When were you happiest?

If you define happiness as a state of well-being and contentment, then I have no idea what you're talking about.

What is your greatest fear?

That I am too beautiful for this world.

What is your earliest memory?

Running down the crack of my mama's ass and ending up a brown stain on the mattress.

Which living person do you most admire?

My auto-biographer.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

That I'm a dribbler and not a spurter.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Leaving their used band-aids in my shower.

What was your most embarrassing moment?

When I publicly declared myself the Son of God on Larry King Live, only to be corrected by Tonya Harding that Jesus Christ had beaten me to it by several thousand years. 

What is your most treasured possession?

My "Bowl of Scabs Since Birth" collection.

What makes you depressed?

That I wasn't bright enough to create the Girls Gone Wild video franchise.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?

That I'm frequently mistaken for an S & M Bear.  Not good.

What is your most unappealing habit?

Using toenail clippings instead of coconut shavings to make deep fried coconut shrimp.

What is your guiltiest pleasure?

Killing small animals without my pulse rising or remorse.

What do you owe your parents?

A never-ending stream of hate mail for ever bringing me into this goddamned fucking world.  Other than that, I'm quite fond of them.

To whom would you most like to say sorry, and why?

To all the women I've made love to but who required an emergency episiotomy afterwards because of my size.    

What is the definition of love?

For women, it's intimacy, security and trust.  For men, it starts with a 'buh' and ends with a 'low job'.

Wh0 or what is the love of your life?

Who.

What is your favorite smell?

Let me sit on that one for a moment.

Have you ever said 'I love you' and not meant it?

The appropriate question is have I ever said it and actually meant it once?

Which living person do you most despise, and why?

Milo Deceiving, for reasons only he and I will ever know.  

What is the worst job you've ever done?

I believe it's called fatherhood.

What has been your biggest disappointment?

The individual accomplishments of my family and friends.  Nobody's stepped up once.

If you could edit your past, what would you change?

I would redact every major bout of diarrhea from the record.

If you could go back in time, where would you go?

I would travel to 1985 and sit in on the recording session of Huey Lewis's 'Back in Time'.

How do you relax?

By staring directly into the sun twenty minutes a day.

How often do you have sex?

With my spouse, twice a week.  If masturbation is included in the definition of sex, then on the advice of counsel I respectfully assert my Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination.

What is the closest you have come to death?

Actually dying.

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?

An unlimited supply of Mojo Potatoes.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Getting up every morning before eleven o'clock.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?

I prefer to think of it as I'm teaching life a thing or two.

Tell us a secret.  

The password is 'Frisbatarianism'.