Thursday, October 16, 2008

Fan Mail...

A short story by Milo Deceiving

Hi Everybody!

Sleeping Beauty has kissed me on the lips and awakened me from a long and glorious slumber!  It's true!  I just returned from an exciting journey around the world that took me to the golden beaches of Australia.  I was there on a convention tour promoting my new booklet, "Unleash Your Creative Vision!" with coauthor Christopher Venezuela.  We met so many wonderful and generous people!  The beaches were much like Florida's, only cleaner--and the women were absolutely delicious.  Their accents drove me crazy!

I've been busier in the last three weeks that I have in my whole life.  I'm finally beginning to do what I've always wanted to--create a life with other people who share a common vision and desire!

As you can all tell I've fallen a little behind with my fan mail again.  That's so typical!  Thank you all for the continued patience, love, and support--because without you, I'd just be me.  Enough yapping, onto the fan mail!

Onward & Inward,

Raymond


Dear Raymond,

Ever since Passion Cove went off the air I haven't seen you in anything.  What have you been doing?  -Melissa.


Dear Melissa,

Taking my life back, that's what!  For starters, I lead a series of corporate lectures called, "Taking It All Back!"  They focus on shaking up our foundations and challenging us to move beyond our limited ways of thinking.  All ten people at my recent Hollywood lecture were able to break boards with their bare hands!  They also agreed it was a very nourishing place to rediscover their heart's desires.  It was inspiring to watch them realize how powerful they truly are.  There were many breakthroughs, a lot of laughs, and a few tears.  It was a tremendous bonding experience for all of us.


Dear Raymond,

Is it true that ever since Passion Cove was cancelled you've had trouble getting acting jobs?  -Sharon.


Dear Sharon,

Hardly.  My radio show, "You Can Do It!" is going very strong every Sunday night at 2:30 AM (PST).  I'm also putting together a film co-op with several very talented actor friends of mine.  As I've always said, my heart lies in trying to create high quality films that cost very little to make.  Also, I recently took a meeting with a cable-access producer who was very excited about my ideas.  He said he'd be in touch very soon so cross your fingers!


Dear Raymond,

When you were on Passion Cove did you ever have any real-life romances with any of the leading ladies?  -Stacie.


Dear Stacie,

Unfortunately no romances bloomed on the show, although I did have a secret crush on Sarah Perkins, Anne Morris, Monica Stevens, Michelle Ford, Carol White, Mary Patterson, Laurel Franklin, Jessica Truman, Becky Reynolds, and Tina Andrews.  I consider them all dear friends.


Dear Raymond,

As Dr. Fuego on Passion Cove, you worked with so many wonderful actors.  Who would you like to work with again?  -Dawn.


Dear Dawn,

See answer to previous question.


Dear Raymond,

I've heard rumors of a Passion Cove reunion, is that really true?  -Holly.


Dear Holly,

Even it if it were, I'm not sure it's something I'd be interested in doing.  I've grown a lot since then.  Lately, my most gratifying work has been done on the stage.  The writing is better, the characters richer, and it's a much more fulfilling experience than television ever was.  I've also been busy developing a new card game.


Dear Raymond,

Do you regret Passion Cove being cancelled?  I'll bet it was pretty good money.  -Wendy.


Dear Wendy,

I was on Passion Cove three years ago.  I've done a lot of things with my life since then.  Take a look at my comic book Microscopic Militia for example--it's sold over 500 copies in two months!  American infantrymen are miniaturized and injected into the bloodstream of their enemies.  They literally attack them from the inside!  It's creative, provocative, and the kids love it.  I ask you, Wendy, just because a man is the size of a white blood cell, does that make him any less of a patriotic American?


Dear Raymond,

My friend Bill saw you at the supermarket and said you threw a tomato at him when he asked about Passion Cove.  Is that true?  -Grace.


Dear Grace,

I have never thrown a tomato at anyone in my life.  But I've sure had a few thrown at me--on stage that is!


Dear Raymond,

Did you really have sex with a chicken?  If so, was it on the set of Passion Cove?  -Linda.


Dear Linda,

That case was thrown out.


Dear Raymond,

Next to Tilden St. Claire and Bert Donaldson, I thought you were the sexiest actor on Passion Cove.  How come they're still on TV and you're not?  -Emma.


Dear Emma,

Let's just say that certain P.C. cast members whose initials are T.S.C. and B.D. were better at, how should I say this tactfully, better at kissing the grossly obese asses of the megalomaniac producers.  Those so-called "producers" were not interested in anything other than scoring coke and "bumping uglies with sixteen year-old mattress thrashers."  I don't wish ill on anyone, but the lack of professionalism on that producing team was disgusting.  Those men were the antithesis of what I'm trying to do with my life.  They were nothing but sleazy, money-grubbing, self-aggrandizing tit merchants.


Dear Raymond,

If you could play any character besides Dr. Louis Fuego on Passion Cove, who would it be?  -Molly.


Dear Molly,

That's easy, Ghandi.  Ghandi or Jesus.


If you would like to purchase any of Raymond's tapes, booklets, card games, comics, magic tricks, recipes, or if you would like to have him speak at a luncheon or seminar, please mail your check or money order (in U.S. funds) to:

RAYMOND EDGAR PRODUCTIONS, LLC
P.O. BOX 3479
CHATSWORTH, CA 90064

6 comments:

General Malaise said...

I'm pretty upset that Milo Deceiving has decided to publish a short story about my soap opera years using my real identity. Very unprofessional.

Milo Deceiving said...

A completely unprovoked and unjustified attack. You will be hearing from my attorneys shortly, Malaise.

Anonymous said...

Dear Raymond,

One of my clients needs to send you a registered letter. Urgently. Can you send me a street address?

Walter Steinman
Attorney at Law
Silberman, Sheinman, Bergman and O'Malley, LLC
"Call us before the second trimester"

Milo Deceiving said...

I pulled out way early on that one. Talk to Malaise.

Anonymous said...

I'd like you two to be on my show next season so we can work through some shit for you. I think it'll improve your interpersonal dynamic quicker that a jack rabbit on a treadmill.

-Dr. Phil

Milo Deceiving said...

I'm game, but Malaise has said he'd never do therapy. Especially with a pompous Texan blowhard.