Dead Animals in Texas...

by Milo Decieving

ANIMALS I SAW DEAD ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD

1. Armadillo
   
2. Deer
   
3. Dog
   
4. Hawk
   
5. Opossum
   
6. Porcupine
   
7. Raccoon
   
8. Skunk
   
9. Snake
   
10. Turtle
    

ANIMALS I ACCIDENTALLY RAN OVER

1. Opossum
   
2. Turtle
   

The Most Interesting Men In My Life...

by Milo Deceiving

We've all seen the Dos Equis commercial spots featuring The Most Interesting Man In the World.  I now give to you in random order,  The Most Interesting Men In My Life.

SPOT #1

He's a spa enthusiast and one of the original pioneers of online dating.  He's a highly paid screenwriter who's never been to New York, but owns every Jillian Michaels workout DVD ever produced.  The last time he was in Las Vegas he saw a Bette Midler concert with his mother.  And cried.  He's so generous, he invested 30 thousand dollars into the failed career of white rapper Nerdy G.  He owns three refrigerators and takes more insulin by 10pm than most men take in a lifetime.  He once spent 300 dollars on a hotel room but didn't spend the night because his son refused to take a shit.  He is . . . The Most Interesting Man In Sherman Oaks.  "I don't always drink diet soda, actually yes I do, a large Diet Coke every morning from McDonald's."

SPOT #2

He wears a form fitting gray t-shirt like none before him.  His work has been featured on numerous infomercials.  He pirates and watches movies on a cutting edge PS3 Blue Ray drive.  He owns not one, but two Stormtrooper helmets.  He drinks so much water some believe he has three kidneys.  He once got drunk on a thimble full of beer and danced for nine straight hours.  He was the first to consolidate his big tit porn collection from two 500 gig drives to 1 terabyte drive.  He is . . . The Most Interesting Man In Studio City.  "I don't always drink water, actually yes I do.  Most recently out of a canteen."

SPOT #3

He's the son of a notorious moonshine runner.  He looks incredible in a leopard skin Speedo.  He's Caucasian, but more than one woman has fallen prey to the giant black snake in his bedroom.  He once sent a million frame animation to render and it didn't crash his render farm.  He can name every hair metal band of the 1980's.  WASP is his favorite.  He doesn't bother to kill the chicken before deep-frying it.  He is . . . The Most Interesting Man In North Hollywood.  "I don't always drink cocktails, but when I do, I prefer Beam and Coke."

SPOT #4

His refusal to wear deodorant is legendary.  He's conquered the rough terrain of India on a motorcycle.  He's done more drugs than Lou Reed and William Burroughs combined.  The tattoo on his back is a map of his erogenous zones.  All 90 of them.  He's spent more years in the porn industry than John Holmes lived.  He is . . . The Most Interesting Man In Los Angeles.  "I don't always drink cocktails, but when I do, I prefer a Tom Collins."

SPOT #5

A single drop of butter can kill him, yet he eats Mexican food on a regular basis.  He's a master of aeronautics and can name any plane within earshot.  He's single-handedly nursed over 3,000 foster kittens into healthy adult cats.  Tom Jones is jealous of his baritone karaoke voice.  He holds the world record for chronic lateness, not arriving on time to any event for over 36 years.  He is . . . The Most Interesting Man In Eagle Rock.  "I don't always drink green tea, but when I do, I prefer Diet Lipton with Natural Citrus Flavors."

SPOT #6

He owns more fedoras than the entire Brat Pack combined.  He's slain more women than Genghis Khan.  Sex with him makes you blind for three hours.  He'll show you the Ace of Spades when you were absolutely positive you were picking the Ace of Hearts.  The shark tattoo on his arm killed an actual shark.  He associates with Mediums who can talk to the dead.  If you have difficulty believing that, just watch the Lifetime Channel.  He is . . . The Second Most Interesting Man In Silver Lake.  "I don't always drink cocktails, but when I do, I prefer Jameson and water."

THE TOP 40 UNANSWERED PRAYERS OF ALL-TIME...

40.  Please keep the plague from our village.

39.  Please keep the war from our countryside.

38.  Please don't make me a slave.

37.  Please don't let them burn me alive.

36.  Please let the white man live up to his word.

35.  Please let me feed my children tonight.

34.  Please protect my son on the battlefield.

33.  Please let it be benign.

32.  Please let there be a God.

31.  Please don't let my wife find out.

30.  Please let this happiness last.

29.  Please don't let my parents get divorced.

28.  Please don't let that be a gun.

27.  Please don't let me be gay.

26.  Please don't let my husband be in Tower One.

25.  Please let our people have justice.

24.  Please let us have a child.

23.  Please don't let our son be deformed.

22.  Please don't let them amputate. 

21.  Please let me see my dad again in heaven.

20.  Please don't let my wife die of cancer.

19.  Please let my wife die of cancer.

18.  Please don't let my body reject this organ.

17.  Please don't let my mom go blind.

16.  Please stop my priest from molesting me.

15.  Please God, don't let this man rape me.

14.  Please don't let us die in this gas chamber.

13.  Please just make the pain stop.

12.  Please just kill me now.

11.  Please don't let this be my life.

10.  Please don't let my dad die.

9.   Please don't let my mom die.

8.   Please don't let my sister die.

7.   Please don't let my brother die.  

6.   Please don't let my husband die.

5.   Please don't let my wife die.

4.   Please don't let my daughter die.

3.   Please don't let my son die.

2.   Please don't let me die.

1.   I want to live.

Milo's List #2...

FOREIGN OBJECTS REMOVED FROM THE HUMAN RECTUM, PENIS & VAGINA ACCORDING TO SEVERAL PROMINENT MEDICAL JOURNALS

Compiled by Milo Deceiving

1. Antenna rod
   
2. Ax handle
   
3. Baby powder can
   
4. Balloon
   
5. Ballpoint pen
   
6. Baseball
   
7. Beer glass
   
8. Billiard Ball
   
9. Bottle cap
   
10. Broomstick
    
11. Bullet
    
12. Candle
    
13. Candle box
    
14. Cattle horn
    
15. Coke bottle
    
16. Cold cream jar
    
17. Condom
    
18. Curling brush
    
19. Curtain rod
    
20. Deodorant bottle
    
21. Dildo
    
22. Eel
    
23. Enema tip
    
24. Eyeglasses
    
25. Flashlight
    
26. Frozen pig's tail
    
27. Fruits (apple, banana, lemon, plantain)
    
28. Gerbil
    
29. Glass tumbler
    
30. Gold coin
    
31. Grindstone
    
32. Gun
    
33. Hard-boiled egg
    
34. Ice pick
    
35. Impulse body spray
    
36. Japanese glass float (3.5")
    
37. Jeweler's saw
    
38. Knife
    
39. Light bulb
    
40. Magazine
    
41. Marijuana
    
42. Microwave egg boiler
    
43. Mrs. Butterworth syrup bottle
    
44. Nail file
    
45. Oilcan
    
46. Paperweight
    
47. Peanut butter jar
    
48. Plastic spatula
    
49. Polyethylene waste trap from U-bend of a sink
    
50. Salad tongs
    
51. Salami
    
52. Sand filled bicycle inner tube
    
53. Screwdriver
    
54. Sewing needle
    
55. Shampoo bottle
    
56. Shoehorn
    
57. Snuffbox
    
58. Soap
    
59. Soldering iron
    
60. Spoon
    
61. Sponge rubber ball
    
62. Stick
    
63. Stone
    
64. Suitcase key
    
65. Syringe
    
66. Teacup
    
67. Tennis ball
    
68. Test tube
    
69. Thermometer
    
70. Tobacco pouch
    
71. Toobox (6" x 5")
    
72. Toothbrush
    
73. Toothbrush holder
    
74. Toothbrush package
    
75. Umbrella handle
    
76. Vaseline jar
    
77. Vegetables (carrot, cucumber, parsnip, zucchini)
    
78. Vibrator (including 14" model with 2 D-cell batteries)
    
79. Walking stick
    
80. Water bottle
    
81. Whip handle
    
82. Whiskey bottle
    
83. Wire spring
    

General Malaise's Malaise...

It is 5:00 pm and I find myself drunk, frustrated, depressed, horny, unmotivated to work, and finally, the lone pilot at the controls of a desperate shame spiral.  Basically, your average Thursday afternoon.  What has brought this shame spiral on, you ask?  Of course, there is always the daily drumbeat of global problems that weigh on an individual--national elections, the plight of the Navajo, the mind-numbing, almost mongoloid-like persistence of the "Jesus died for my sins so I'll have eternal life" charade.  There's also the every day weight of personal concerns--becoming a reprehensible fat person, experiencing a variety of malfunctioning organs in your body, the struggle to control one's sexual urges during Google image searches for 'Dolly Parton'. Aside from these petty trivialities though, and in an effort to pull myself out of my self-described doldrums for good, I've decided to publish a personal ten-point manifesto to immediately guide me (and my readers) to a much happier, healthier, more productive life (to take effect no sooner than January 1st, 2009):

1.  Stop taking things so seriously.  Consequences are usually overblown.  This includes unfounded fears of repercussions on politics, religion, deadlines, family relationships, and anonymous sex in Del Taco restrooms.

2.  Worry less about people, especially those you care most about.  They will find their own way.  Even if they are incapacitated by a stroke or die, you are not obligated to do and/or feel something about it.  In fact, a person with real conviction on this matter would kill their friends or family before something bad happens in order to be intellectually consistent on this point.  (Note to self:  put together list of those you "care about most").     

3.  Stop being guilty about drinking so much.  Drinking is fun and makes everything way better.  The more you drink, the better things will be.  If expressed as a math equation:  25 Pina Coladas/Day + No Guilt = Successful Fun Life.  Also, one more thing.  I love all of the readers of my blog.  I love you guys, I do.  The first time I met you, I thought you were all assholes, but now I totally love you.

4.  Encourage yourself to express your anger.  This is an important one to not hold back on.  Yelling is underrated, as is screaming as loud as you can.  Especially to/at your children.  It's the only way they will understand.  Make yourself heard to your wife and children.  Make yourself better in their eyes by being as loud and honest as you can.  This will help everyone.

5.  Stop being so confused.  Your first answer to a question or situation is usually the best answer, so go with it.  Don't over-intellectualize.  Don't ask questions.  It's better to apologize than ask permission.  What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.  This is not a confession, so don't read anything into this.  Don't feel like you have to justify anything by unprompted denials.  I'm not justifying anything, nothing happened.  This is not an unprompted denial.  Okay, onto number six.

6.  See the good inside of you, not the bad.  Or, stated another way:  I see the glass 15% full, not 85% empty. 

7.  Prayer changes nothing.  I haven't prayed since my mid-20's (an embarrassment in and of itself to admit (praying at all, that is)), but just in case I start getting into old habits and revert, I want to nip this one in the bud right now.  Praying to God is essentially mumbling to yourself like a homeless person.  Actually, I've talked with a lot of homeless people, and even they've stopped praying.  Why most people don't equate praying with insanity is completely beyond The General.   

8.  More boners.  Enough said.  (Note:  This is more of your own boners, not somebody else's.  Dealing with your own boner is a very pleasurable experience.  Dealing with somebody else's boner is not pleasurable, except to approximately 9.7% of the American male population).  

9.  Let yourself off the hook.  You don't really have anything to live for, but that doesn't mean that you're not important to the people around you.  Mostly because they have even less to live for, so by comparison, you look really good.  Take heart in your razor thin advantage over your family and the rest of the masses.

10.  To not have friends, you have to not be a friend.  Don't be afraid to shut people out.  You can be the change you seek, even if that change means being isolated forever.  This will greatly cut down on your expenses.  Being frugal isn't just a financial consideration, it's an emotional one.  Be frugal with your emotions, and the savings you reap will be substantial.  

I feel like the preceding ten points are the foundation to a new and improved me.  Please feel free to spread this virally across the web and let's get as many people as we can involved in curing General Malaise's Malaise! 

   

e.e. cummings: grocery list 43...

a poem by milo deceiving

milk

t

oilet paper - (two

ply)

trash

   bags

tooth paste

bread (whole

            wheat)

sugar-

c(off)ee (nescafe)

  paper

plates

soa  p:  ivory

frozen lemon+ade

"grapes?"

h

o

t

d

o

g

b u n s

Fan Mail...

A short story by Milo Deceiving

Hi Everybody!

Sleeping Beauty has kissed me on the lips and awakened me from a long and glorious slumber!  It's true!  I just returned from an exciting journey around the world that took me to the golden beaches of Australia.  I was there on a convention tour promoting my new booklet, "Unleash Your Creative Vision!" with coauthor Christopher Venezuela.  We met so many wonderful and generous people!  The beaches were much like Florida's, only cleaner--and the women were absolutely delicious.  Their accents drove me crazy!

I've been busier in the last three weeks that I have in my whole life.  I'm finally beginning to do what I've always wanted to--create a life with other people who share a common vision and desire!

As you can all tell I've fallen a little behind with my fan mail again.  That's so typical!  Thank you all for the continued patience, love, and support--because without you, I'd just be me.  Enough yapping, onto the fan mail!

Onward & Inward,

Raymond

Dear Raymond,

Ever since Passion Cove went off the air I haven't seen you in anything.  What have you been doing?  -Melissa.

Dear Melissa,

Taking my life back, that's what!  For starters, I lead a series of corporate lectures called, "Taking It All Back!"  They focus on shaking up our foundations and challenging us to move beyond our limited ways of thinking.  All ten people at my recent Hollywood lecture were able to break boards with their bare hands!  They also agreed it was a very nourishing place to rediscover their heart's desires.  It was inspiring to watch them realize how powerful they truly are.  There were many breakthroughs, a lot of laughs, and a few tears.  It was a tremendous bonding experience for all of us.

Dear Raymond,

Is it true that ever since Passion Cove was cancelled you've had trouble getting acting jobs?  -Sharon.

Dear Sharon,

Hardly.  My radio show, "You Can Do It!" is going very strong every Sunday night at 2:30 AM (PST).  I'm also putting together a film co-op with several very talented actor friends of mine.  As I've always said, my heart lies in trying to create high quality films that cost very little to make.  Also, I recently took a meeting with a cable-access producer who was very excited about my ideas.  He said he'd be in touch very soon so cross your fingers!

Dear Raymond,

When you were on Passion Cove did you ever have any real-life romances with any of the leading ladies?  -Stacie.

Dear Stacie,

Unfortunately no romances bloomed on the show, although I did have a secret crush on Sarah Perkins, Anne Morris, Monica Stevens, Michelle Ford, Carol White, Mary Patterson, Laurel Franklin, Jessica Truman, Becky Reynolds, and Tina Andrews.  I consider them all dear friends.

Dear Raymond,

As Dr. Fuego on Passion Cove, you worked with so many wonderful actors.  Who would you like to work with again?  -Dawn.

Dear Dawn,

See answer to previous question.

Dear Raymond,

I've heard rumors of a Passion Cove reunion, is that really true?  -Holly.

Dear Holly,

Even it if it were, I'm not sure it's something I'd be interested in doing.  I've grown a lot since then.  Lately, my most gratifying work has been done on the stage.  The writing is better, the characters richer, and it's a much more fulfilling experience than television ever was.  I've also been busy developing a new card game.

Dear Raymond,

Do you regret Passion Cove being cancelled?  I'll bet it was pretty good money.  -Wendy.

Dear Wendy,

I was on Passion Cove three years ago.  I've done a lot of things with my life since then.  Take a look at my comic book Microscopic Militia for example--it's sold over 500 copies in two months!  American infantrymen are miniaturized and injected into the bloodstream of their enemies.  They literally attack them from the inside!  It's creative, provocative, and the kids love it.  I ask you, Wendy, just because a man is the size of a white blood cell, does that make him any less of a patriotic American?

Dear Raymond,

My friend Bill saw you at the supermarket and said you threw a tomato at him when he asked about Passion Cove.  Is that true?  -Grace.

Dear Grace,

I have never thrown a tomato at anyone in my life.  But I've sure had a few thrown at me--on stage that is!

Dear Raymond,

Did you really have sex with a chicken?  If so, was it on the set of Passion Cove?  -Linda.

Dear Linda,

That case was thrown out.

Dear Raymond,

Next to Tilden St. Claire and Bert Donaldson, I thought you were the sexiest actor on Passion Cove.  How come they're still on TV and you're not?  -Emma.

Dear Emma,

Let's just say that certain P.C. cast members whose initials are T.S.C. and B.D. were better at, how should I say this tactfully, better at kissing the grossly obese asses of the megalomaniac producers.  Those so-called "producers" were not interested in anything other than scoring coke and "bumping uglies with sixteen year-old mattress thrashers."  I don't wish ill on anyone, but the lack of professionalism on that producing team was disgusting.  Those men were the antithesis of what I'm trying to do with my life.  They were nothing but sleazy, money-grubbing, self-aggrandizing tit merchants.

Dear Raymond,

If you could play any character besides Dr. Louis Fuego on Passion Cove, who would it be?  -Molly.

Dear Molly,

That's easy, Ghandi.  Ghandi or Jesus.

If you would like to purchase any of Raymond's tapes, booklets, card games, comics, magic tricks, recipes, or if you would like to have him speak at a luncheon or seminar, please mail your check or money order (in U.S. funds) to:

RAYMOND EDGAR PRODUCTIONS, LLC

P.O. BOX 3479

CHATSWORTH, CA 90064