10. luv it
9. h8 it
8. hlarious!
7. Fkng hlarious!
6. Splbrg passed on ur scrpt
5. wht does sore look like?
4. chk is in mail
3. they wntd 2 go in diff drction
2. its big scrn vrzn of smll wndr
1. we nd 2 tlk
Friday, February 13, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
A & O: A Religious Conversation Between Two Popular Vowels...
Transcribed by Milo Decieving
A: I'm going to just jump right in and contend something. Ready?
O: Shoot.
A: I believe that you're an atheist.
O: (laughs) No, I'm not. Did M tell you that? I believe in God.
A: (laughs) Okay, cool. May I ask which one?
O: I was raised Christian, so I believe in the one an only God of the Bible. What do you believe in by the way?
A: Well, if you ask most people, they'd call me a non-believer.
O: Yeah, you sound like one.
A: I do? How so?
O: Your tone. It's a touch condescending and negative.
A: (laughs) I hear that a lot.
O: You do?
A: Yes. But I'm really an optimistic, open-minded, generous, fun-loving person. I love music, nature, and animals--and I try my best not to eat them!
O: (laughs) That's funny. Seriously though, why don't you believe?
A: I do believe. I believe in lots of things. That's why I don't like the term non-believer, because it's false and inaccurate. It's taking the positive word "believer" and adding the word "non," thus making it negative and becoming the opposite of all things good. Let me ask you this, what do you think of stem cell research?
O: Nice transition.
A: Thanks.
O: I recognize that it can ultimately help in curing diseases and other things, but something just doesn't sit well with me about it. I'm pro-life.
A: As you probably guessed, I'm pro-choice. Look at that, we're both pro-something.
O: (laughs)
A: My point is this: if we lived in a secular-minded culture where decisions weren't made based on God's approval or laws, but these decisions didn't gel with your personal beliefs, you'd be the one branded a non-believer. Or anti-reason. Or anti-progress, something like that. Doesn't sound good, does it?
O: I get your point. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is that if you don't believe in God, which is fine with me, go to Hell I don't care, I'm kidding, what do you believe in? You're being evasive!
A: (laughs) A lot of the same things you do. This positive power of love, kindness, peace, tolerance, generosity, equality, green living--those are positive things, right?
O: Last time I checked.
A: I also try to remember that humans are just a part of nature, not above it, not something separate from it, and certainly no better than the rest of the creatures on the planet. It would be a little speciesist to think that. I just try to be a good person and live a good life. I try to be productive and have a positive impact. I believe in the here and now and that each day above ground is a gift. I don't take life for granted because my personal belief is that we, just like the rest of the creatures on the planet great and small, don't survive our own deaths. And I don't find that scary at all. I find it liberating and exciting. How cool is it that we get a few years to kick around on this space rock and have a few adventures? It doesn't have to mean anything. It's just beautiful.
O: Other than the not surviving our own deaths thing, I'm right there with you.
(After a short break where A and O are pulled away to help spell the word "goat" in an 8th grade science report on dairy farming, they return.)
A: I had no idea that a dairy farm could produce 3,000 to 5,000 gallons of goat milk per year.
O: I prefer rice milk. It's lower in saturated fat and cruelty free.
A: Good call. If you remember, my original premise is that you're an atheist, which you disagreed with, correct?
O: Correct.
A: Do you believe in Zues?
O: Of course not. He's just myth.
A: How about Brahma, Shiva, or Vishnu? Or Allah?
O: Nope.
A: How about Zenu?
O: (laughs) Who's that?
A: The dictator of the galactic confederacy. From Scientology.
O: Come on, that's ridiculous.
A: I think so, too. I can go on, but I think I proved my point of your devout, some may say radical atheism.
O: Come on.
A: You just dismissed a handful of Gods that millions upon millions of people believed in and still believe in. These people followed their God's teachings, and the case of Allah, still give their lives for Him today. You just dismissed all of them outright.
O: Those people are all on a search for meaning, which I can't blame them for, I just happen to not believe what they believe.
A: So I guess you got lucky with Christianity. The one true word.
O: Correct.
A: You understand that all those people look at you the same way, right? As misguided?
O: Yes, but I'm not strapping bombs to myself and blowing up innocent people either.
A: Just abortion clinics.
O: That's unfair. Violent fundamentalism of any variety is ugly and terrible, anyone would agree with that.
A: I would. You and I are very much alike. I don't believe in any of those Gods either. In fact, I only believe in one less God than you.
O: Oh, but what a One.
A: (laughs) Listen, thanks for your candor and for putting up with me. At the end of the day none of us have the full answer to everything, but we can agree to disagree, right?
O: Of course.
A: Hey, off topic, I heard you were going out with R tonight. True?
O: Yep.
A: A consonant. Nice. Is it true what they say?
O: That she's easy? I'll let you know. I'm hoping she'll bring her friends G and Y and we all end up spelling orgy.
A: Now that's a God we can all get behind.
Friday, January 23, 2009
THE TOP 40 ANSWERED PRAYERS OF ALL-TIME...
Dear Loyal Reader(s),
40.
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I'm glad we could clear that up. I pray I won't ever again be accused of one-sidedness.
Yours,
G.M.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Olive's New Year's Resolutions: A Dog's Perspective...
by Olive "Scoopy" Di Meglio
1. DIAL BACK MY FEAR OF LOUD NOISES. When firecrackers explode outside, I admit it, they scare the shit out of me. But it's irrational to run and hide behind the toilet. Do I honesty think a toilet will protect me? From this point on, I resolve to stand my ground on the couch whenever I hear a lady finger or the dreadful lady finger brick. I may shake and pant like a son of a bitch, but I must be strong. I'm from Inglewood, goddammit. Firecrackers cannot hurt me. Repeat, firecrackers cannot hurt me.
2. LEARN TO BRUSH MY OWN TEETH. There's only so many more "Ass Breath" jokes I can take before losing my mind, so this one is a major priority. Use Daddy's toothbrush, or when at the Rasmussen house, Tim's. On second thought Tim's is gross, use Stacie's.
3. KEEP MY BEARD CLEANER. This one is directly related to tooth brushing. Sometimes week old food begins to decompose near my upper and lower lip regions and is misinterpreted as bad breath. By keeping this area clean, I will deny the humans ammunition for their "bad breath jokes." They can be so insensitive sometimes. Unlike Mexicans, I have feelings.
4. BE MORE PATIENT WITH PORK CHOP. He's just a kid with a troubled past, so cut him some slack. Either that or purchase some black market succinylcholine and poison him. I love this idea. They'll never suspect me. I'm white, fluffy, and adorable. You're going down you spastic little butthole.
5. BE LESS NEEDY. There's no need to nudge someone to pet me when the reverse psychology method of playing aloof yields the same results. Playing aloof makes me seem unobtainable, thus creating an insatiable need within my victim to want to pet me even more. It clearly works for cats and the one they call Perkins, so give it a shot.
6. SNIFF LESS TURDS (INCLUDING MY OWN!). There's absolutely no reason to sniff every single turd during a walk. Every other turd is just fine. On that note, sniff less vagina, butthole, balls, and castration scars.
7. EAT LESS SUGAR. One word: backne.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Dead Animals in Texas...
by Milo Decieving
ANIMALS I SAW DEAD ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD
- Armadillo
- Deer
- Dog
- Hawk
- Opossum
- Porcupine
- Raccoon
- Skunk
- Snake
- Turtle
ANIMALS I ACCIDENTALLY RAN OVER
- Opossum
- Turtle
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
The Most Interesting Men In My Life...
by Milo Deceiving
We've all seen the Dos Equis commercial spots featuring The Most Interesting Man In the World. I now give to you in random order, The Most Interesting Men In My Life.
SPOT #1
He's a spa enthusiast and one of the original pioneers of online dating. He's a highly paid screenwriter who's never been to New York, but owns every Jillian Michaels workout DVD ever produced. The last time he was in Las Vegas he saw a Bette Midler concert with his mother. And cried. He's so generous, he invested 30 thousand dollars into the failed career of white rapper Nerdy G. He owns three refrigerators and takes more insulin by 10pm than most men take in a lifetime. He once spent 300 dollars on a hotel room but didn't spend the night because his son refused to take a shit. He is . . . The Most Interesting Man In Sherman Oaks. "I don't always drink diet soda, actually yes I do, a large Diet Coke every morning from McDonald's."
SPOT #2
He wears a form fitting gray t-shirt like none before him. His work has been featured on numerous infomercials. He pirates and watches movies on a cutting edge PS3 Blue Ray drive. He owns not one, but two Stormtrooper helmets. He drinks so much water some believe he has three kidneys. He once got drunk on a thimble full of beer and danced for nine straight hours. He was the first to consolidate his big tit porn collection from two 500 gig drives to 1 terabyte drive. He is . . . The Most Interesting Man In Studio City. "I don't always drink water, actually yes I do. Most recently out of a canteen."
SPOT #3
He's the son of a notorious moonshine runner. He looks incredible in a leopard skin Speedo. He's Caucasian, but more than one woman has fallen prey to the giant black snake in his bedroom. He once sent a million frame animation to render and it didn't crash his render farm. He can name every hair metal band of the 1980's. WASP is his favorite. He doesn't bother to kill the chicken before deep-frying it. He is . . . The Most Interesting Man In North Hollywood. "I don't always drink cocktails, but when I do, I prefer Beam and Coke."
SPOT #4
His refusal to wear deodorant is legendary. He's conquered the rough terrain of India on a motorcycle. He's done more drugs than Lou Reed and William Burroughs combined. The tattoo on his back is a map of his erogenous zones. All 90 of them. He's spent more years in the porn industry than John Holmes lived. He is . . . The Most Interesting Man In Los Angeles. "I don't always drink cocktails, but when I do, I prefer a Tom Collins."
SPOT #5
A single drop of butter can kill him, yet he eats Mexican food on a regular basis. He's a master of aeronautics and can name any plane within earshot. He's single-handedly nursed over 3,000 foster kittens into healthy adult cats. Tom Jones is jealous of his baritone karaoke voice. He holds the world record for chronic lateness, not arriving on time to any event for over 36 years. He is . . . The Most Interesting Man In Eagle Rock. "I don't always drink green tea, but when I do, I prefer Diet Lipton with Natural Citrus Flavors."
SPOT #6
He owns more fedoras than the entire Brat Pack combined. He's slain more women than Genghis Khan. Sex with him makes you blind for three hours. He'll show you the Ace of Spades when you were absolutely positive you were picking the Ace of Hearts. The shark tattoo on his arm killed an actual shark. He associates with Mediums who can talk to the dead. If you have difficulty believing that, just watch the Lifetime Channel. He is . . . The Second Most Interesting Man In Silver Lake. "I don't always drink cocktails, but when I do, I prefer Jameson and water."
Thursday, November 6, 2008
THE TOP 40 UNANSWERED PRAYERS OF ALL-TIME...
40. Please keep the plague from our village.
39. Please keep the war from our countryside.
38. Please don't make me a slave.
37. Please don't let them burn me alive.
36. Please let the white man live up to his word.
35. Please let me feed my children tonight.
34. Please protect my son on the battlefield.
33. Please let it be benign.
32. Please let there be a God.
31. Please don't let my wife find out.
30. Please let this happiness last.
29. Please don't let my parents get divorced.
28. Please don't let that be a gun.
27. Please don't let me be gay.
26. Please don't let my husband be in Tower One.
25. Please let our people have justice.
24. Please let us have a child.
23. Please don't let our son be deformed.
22. Please don't let them amputate.
21. Please let me see my dad again in heaven.
20. Please don't let my wife die of cancer.
19. Please let my wife die of cancer.
18. Please don't let my body reject this organ.
17. Please don't let my mom go blind.
16. Please stop my priest from molesting me.
15. Please God, don't let this man rape me.
14. Please don't let us die in this gas chamber.
13. Please just make the pain stop.
12. Please just kill me now.
11. Please don't let this be my life.
10. Please don't let my dad die.
9. Please don't let my mom die.
8. Please don't let my sister die.
7. Please don't let my brother die.
6. Please don't let my husband die.
5. Please don't let my wife die.
4. Please don't let my daughter die.
3. Please don't let my son die.
2. Please don't let me die.
1. I want to live.
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