High & Gruesome

Last 10 Texts From My Hollywood Agent...

2009-02-13T18:11:00.001-08:00

10. luv it

9. h8 it

8. hlarious!

7. Fkng hlarious!

6. Splbrg passed on ur scrpt

5. wht does sore look like?

4. chk is in mail

3. they wntd 2 go in diff drction

2. its big scrn vrzn of smll wndr

1. we nd 2 tlk

A & O: A Religious Conversation Between Two Popular Vowels...

2009-02-05T18:47:00.000-08:00

Transcribed by Milo Decieving

A: I'm going to just jump right in and contend something. Ready?

O: Shoot.

A: I believe that you're an atheist.

O: (laughs) No, I'm not. Did M tell you that? I believe in God.

A: (laughs) Okay, cool. May I ask which one?

O: I was raised Christian, so I believe in the one an only God of the Bible. What do you believe in by the way?

A: Well, if you ask most people, they'd call me a non-believer.

O: Yeah, you sound like one.

A: I do? How so?

O: Your tone. It's a touch condescending and negative.

A: (laughs) I hear that a lot.

O: You do?

A: Yes. But I'm really an optimistic, open-minded, generous, fun-loving person. I love music, nature, and animals--and I try my best not to eat them!

O: (laughs) That's funny. Seriously though, why don't you believe?

A: I do believe. I believe in lots of things. That's why I don't like the term non-believer, because it's false and inaccurate. It's taking the positive word "believer" and adding the word "non," thus making it negative and becoming the opposite of all things good. Let me ask you this, what do you think of stem cell research?

O: Nice transition.

A: Thanks.

O: I recognize that it can ultimately help in curing diseases and other things, but something just doesn't sit well with me about it. I'm pro-life.

A: As you probably guessed, I'm pro-choice. Look at that, we're both pro-something.

O: (laughs)

A: My point is this: if we lived in a secular-minded culture where decisions weren't made based on God's approval or laws, but these decisions didn't gel with your personal beliefs, you'd be the one branded a non-believer. Or anti-reason. Or anti-progress, something like that. Doesn't sound good, does it?

O: I get your point. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is that if you don't believe in God, which is fine with me, go to Hell I don't care, I'm kidding, what do you believe in? You're being evasive!

A: (laughs) A lot of the same things you do. This positive power of love, kindness, peace, tolerance, generosity, equality, green living--those are positive things, right?

O: Last time I checked.

A: I also try to remember that humans are just a part of nature, not above it, not something separate from it, and certainly no better than the rest of the creatures on the planet. It would be a little speciesist to think that. I just try to be a good person and live a good life. I try to be productive and have a positive impact. I believe in the here and now and that each day above ground is a gift. I don't take life for granted because my personal belief is that we, just like the rest of the creatures on the planet great and small, don't survive our own deaths. And I don't find that scary at all. I find it liberating and exciting. How cool is it that we get a few years to kick around on this space rock and have a few adventures? It doesn't have to mean anything. It's just beautiful.

O: Other than the not surviving our own deaths thing, I'm right there with you.

(After a short break where A and O are pulled away to help spell the word "goat" in an 8th grade science report on dairy farming, they return.)

A: I had no idea that a dairy farm could produce 3,000 to 5,000 gallons of goat milk per year.

O: I prefer rice milk. It's lower in saturated fat and cruelty free.

A: Good call. If you remember, my original premise is that you're an atheist, which you disagreed with, correct?

O: Correct.

A: Do you believe in Zues?

O: Of course not. He's just myth.

A: How about Brahma, Shiva, or Vishnu? Or Allah?

O: Nope.

A: How about Zenu?

O: (laughs) Who's that?

A: The dictator of the galactic confederacy. From Scientology.

O: Come on, that's ridiculous.

A: I think so, too. I can go on, but I think I proved my point of your devout, some may say radical atheism.

O: Come on.

A: You just dismissed a handful of Gods that millions upon millions of people believed in and still believe in. These people followed their God's teachings, and the case of Allah, still give their lives for Him today. You just dismissed all of them outright.

O: Those people are all on a search for meaning, which I can't blame them for, I just happen to not believe what they believe.

A: So I guess you got lucky with Christianity. The one true word.

O: Correct.

A: You understand that all those people look at you the same way, right? As misguided?

O: Yes, but I'm not strapping bombs to myself and blowing up innocent people either.

A: Just abortion clinics.

O: That's unfair. Violent fundamentalism of any variety is ugly and terrible, anyone would agree with that.

A: I would. You and I are very much alike. I don't believe in any of those Gods either. In fact, I only believe in one less God than you.

O: Oh, but what a One.

A: (laughs) Listen, thanks for your candor and for putting up with me. At the end of the day none of us have the full answer to everything, but we can agree to disagree, right?

O: Of course.

A: Hey, off topic, I heard you were going out with R tonight. True?

O: Yep.

A: A consonant. Nice. Is it true what they say?

O: That she's easy? I'll let you know. I'm hoping she'll bring her friends G and Y and we all end up spelling orgy.

A: Now that's a God we can all get behind.

THE TOP 40 ANSWERED PRAYERS OF ALL-TIME...

2009-01-23T17:39:00.000-08:00

Dear Loyal Reader(s),

The General has been getting a lot of flack lately from his previous post (The Top 40 Unanswered Prayers Of All-Time), with readers decrying the lack of equal time given to those who hold views which differ from the General's. In an effort to remain balanced then, and in an effort to promote true enlightenment by evaluating something from a variety of different viewpoints, The General presents the Top 40 Answered Prayers of All-Time:

40.

39.

38.

37.

36.

35.

34.

33.

32.

31.

30.

29.

28.

27.

26.

25.

24.

23.

22.

21.

20.

19.

18.

17.

16.

15.

14.

13.

12.

11.

10.

I'm glad we could clear that up. I pray I won't ever again be accused of one-sidedness.

Yours,

G.M.

Olive's New Year's Resolutions: A Dog's Perspective...

2009-01-01T14:43:00.001-08:00

by Olive "Scoopy" Di Meglio

1. DIAL BACK MY FEAR OF LOUD NOISES. When firecrackers explode outside, I admit it, they scare the shit out of me. But it's irrational to run and hide behind the toilet. Do I honesty think a toilet will protect me? From this point on, I resolve to stand my ground on the couch whenever I hear a lady finger or the dreadful lady finger brick. I may shake and pant like a son of a bitch, but I must be strong. I'm from Inglewood, goddammit. Firecrackers cannot hurt me. Repeat, firecrackers cannot hurt me.

2. LEARN TO BRUSH MY OWN TEETH. There's only so many more "Ass Breath" jokes I can take before losing my mind, so this one is a major priority. Use Daddy's toothbrush, or when at the Rasmussen house, Tim's. On second thought Tim's is gross, use Stacie's.

3. KEEP MY BEARD CLEANER. This one is directly related to tooth brushing. Sometimes week old food begins to decompose near my upper and lower lip regions and is misinterpreted as bad breath. By keeping this area clean, I will deny the humans ammunition for their "bad breath jokes." They can be so insensitive sometimes. Unlike Mexicans, I have feelings.

4. BE MORE PATIENT WITH PORK CHOP. He's just a kid with a troubled past, so cut him some slack. Either that or purchase some black market succinylcholine and poison him. I love this idea. They'll never suspect me. I'm white, fluffy, and adorable. You're going down you spastic little butthole.

5. BE LESS NEEDY. There's no need to nudge someone to pet me when the reverse psychology method of playing aloof yields the same results. Playing aloof makes me seem unobtainable, thus creating an insatiable need within my victim to want to pet me even more. It clearly works for cats and the one they call Perkins, so give it a shot.

6. SNIFF LESS TURDS (INCLUDING MY OWN!). There's absolutely no reason to sniff every single turd during a walk. Every other turd is just fine. On that note, sniff less vagina, butthole, balls, and castration scars.

7. EAT LESS SUGAR. One word: backne.

Dead Animals in Texas...

2008-12-03T12:02:00.000-08:00

by Milo Decieving

ANIMALS I SAW DEAD ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD

Armadillo
Deer
Dog
Hawk
Opossum
Porcupine
Raccoon
Skunk
Snake
Turtle

ANIMALS I ACCIDENTALLY RAN OVER

Opossum
Turtle

The Most Interesting Men In My Life...

2008-11-18T09:06:00.000-08:00

by Milo Deceiving

We've all seen the Dos Equis commercial spots featuring The Most Interesting Man In the World. I now give to you in random order, The Most Interesting Men In My Life.

SPOT #1

He's a spa enthusiast and one of the original pioneers of online dating. He's a highly paid screenwriter who's never been to New York, but owns every Jillian Michaels workout DVD ever produced. The last time he was in Las Vegas he saw a Bette Midler concert with his mother. And cried. He's so generous, he invested 30 thousand dollars into the failed career of white rapper Nerdy G. He owns three refrigerators and takes more insulin by 10pm than most men take in a lifetime. He once spent 300 dollars on a hotel room but didn't spend the night because his son refused to take a shit. He is . . . The Most Interesting Man In Sherman Oaks. "I don't always drink diet soda, actually yes I do, a large Diet Coke every morning from McDonald's."

SPOT #2

He wears a form fitting gray t-shirt like none before him. His work has been featured on numerous infomercials. He pirates and watches movies on a cutting edge PS3 Blue Ray drive. He owns not one, but two Stormtrooper helmets. He drinks so much water some believe he has three kidneys. He once got drunk on a thimble full of beer and danced for nine straight hours. He was the first to consolidate his big tit porn collection from two 500 gig drives to 1 terabyte drive. He is . . . The Most Interesting Man In Studio City. "I don't always drink water, actually yes I do. Most recently out of a canteen."

SPOT #3

He's the son of a notorious moonshine runner. He looks incredible in a leopard skin Speedo. He's Caucasian, but more than one woman has fallen prey to the giant black snake in his bedroom. He once sent a million frame animation to render and it didn't crash his render farm. He can name every hair metal band of the 1980's. WASP is his favorite. He doesn't bother to kill the chicken before deep-frying it. He is . . . The Most Interesting Man In North Hollywood. "I don't always drink cocktails, but when I do, I prefer Beam and Coke."

SPOT #4

His refusal to wear deodorant is legendary. He's conquered the rough terrain of India on a motorcycle. He's done more drugs than Lou Reed and William Burroughs combined. The tattoo on his back is a map of his erogenous zones. All 90 of them. He's spent more years in the porn industry than John Holmes lived. He is . . . The Most Interesting Man In Los Angeles. "I don't always drink cocktails, but when I do, I prefer a Tom Collins."

SPOT #5

A single drop of butter can kill him, yet he eats Mexican food on a regular basis. He's a master of aeronautics and can name any plane within earshot. He's single-handedly nursed over 3,000 foster kittens into healthy adult cats. Tom Jones is jealous of his baritone karaoke voice. He holds the world record for chronic lateness, not arriving on time to any event for over 36 years. He is . . . The Most Interesting Man In Eagle Rock. "I don't always drink green tea, but when I do, I prefer Diet Lipton with Natural Citrus Flavors."

SPOT #6

He owns more fedoras than the entire Brat Pack combined. He's slain more women than Genghis Khan. Sex with him makes you blind for three hours. He'll show you the Ace of Spades when you were absolutely positive you were picking the Ace of Hearts. The shark tattoo on his arm killed an actual shark. He associates with Mediums who can talk to the dead. If you have difficulty believing that, just watch the Lifetime Channel. He is . . . The Second Most Interesting Man In Silver Lake. "I don't always drink cocktails, but when I do, I prefer Jameson and water."

THE TOP 40 UNANSWERED PRAYERS OF ALL-TIME...

2008-11-06T12:08:00.000-08:00

40. Please keep the plague from our village.

39. Please keep the war from our countryside.

38. Please don't make me a slave.

37. Please don't let them burn me alive.

36. Please let the white man live up to his word.

35. Please let me feed my children tonight.

34. Please protect my son on the battlefield.

33. Please let it be benign.

32. Please let there be a God.

31. Please don't let my wife find out.

30. Please let this happiness last.

29. Please don't let my parents get divorced.

28. Please don't let that be a gun.

27. Please don't let me be gay.

26. Please don't let my husband be in Tower One.

25. Please let our people have justice.

24. Please let us have a child.

23. Please don't let our son be deformed.

22. Please don't let them amputate.

21. Please let me see my dad again in heaven.

20. Please don't let my wife die of cancer.

19. Please let my wife die of cancer.

18. Please don't let my body reject this organ.

17. Please don't let my mom go blind.

16. Please stop my priest from molesting me.

15. Please God, don't let this man rape me.

14. Please don't let us die in this gas chamber.

13. Please just make the pain stop.

12. Please just kill me now.

11. Please don't let this be my life.

10. Please don't let my dad die.

9. Please don't let my mom die.

8. Please don't let my sister die.

7. Please don't let my brother die.

6. Please don't let my husband die.

5. Please don't let my wife die.

4. Please don't let my daughter die.

3. Please don't let my son die.

2. Please don't let me die.

1. I want to live.

Milo's List #2...

2008-11-03T13:33:00.000-08:00

FOREIGN OBJECTS REMOVED FROM THE HUMAN RECTUM, PENIS & VAGINA ACCORDING TO SEVERAL PROMINENT MEDICAL JOURNALS

Compiled by Milo Deceiving

Antenna rod
Ax handle
Baby powder can
Balloon
Ballpoint pen
Baseball
Beer glass
Billiard Ball
Bottle cap
Broomstick
Bullet
Candle
Candle box
Cattle horn
Coke bottle
Cold cream jar
Condom
Curling brush
Curtain rod
Deodorant bottle
Dildo
Eel
Enema tip
Eyeglasses
Flashlight
Frozen pig's tail
Fruits (apple, banana, lemon, plantain)
Gerbil
Glass tumbler
Gold coin
Grindstone
Gun
Hard-boiled egg
Ice pick
Impulse body spray
Japanese glass float (3.5")
Jeweler's saw
Knife
Light bulb
Magazine
Marijuana
Microwave egg boiler
Mrs. Butterworth syrup bottle
Nail file
Oilcan
Paperweight
Peanut butter jar
Plastic spatula
Polyethylene waste trap from U-bend of a sink
Salad tongs
Salami
Sand filled bicycle inner tube
Screwdriver
Sewing needle
Shampoo bottle
Shoehorn
Snuffbox
Soap
Soldering iron
Spoon
Sponge rubber ball
Stick
Stone
Suitcase key
Syringe
Teacup
Tennis ball
Test tube
Thermometer
Tobacco pouch
Toobox (6" x 5")
Toothbrush
Toothbrush holder
Toothbrush package
Umbrella handle
Vaseline jar
Vegetables (carrot, cucumber, parsnip, zucchini)
Vibrator (including 14" model with 2 D-cell batteries)
Walking stick
Water bottle
Whip handle
Whiskey bottle
Wire spring

General Malaise's Malaise...

2008-10-30T17:13:00.000-07:00

It is 5:00 pm and I find myself drunk, frustrated, depressed, horny, unmotivated to work, and finally, the lone pilot at the controls of a desperate shame spiral. Basically, your average Thursday afternoon. What has brought this shame spiral on, you ask? Of course, there is always the daily drumbeat of global problems that weigh on an individual--national elections, the plight of the Navajo, the mind-numbing, almost mongoloid-like persistence of the "Jesus died for my sins so I'll have eternal life" charade. There's also the every day weight of personal concerns--becoming a reprehensible fat person, experiencing a variety of malfunctioning organs in your body, the struggle to control one's sexual urges during Google image searches for 'Dolly Parton'. Aside from these petty trivialities though, and in an effort to pull myself out of my self-described doldrums for good, I've decided to publish a personal ten-point manifesto to immediately guide me (and my readers) to a much happier, healthier, more productive life (to take effect no sooner than January 1st, 2009):

1. Stop taking things so seriously. Consequences are usually overblown. This includes unfounded fears of repercussions on politics, religion, deadlines, family relationships, and anonymous sex in Del Taco restrooms.

2. Worry less about people, especially those you care most about. They will find their own way. Even if they are incapacitated by a stroke or die, you are not obligated to do and/or feel something about it. In fact, a person with real conviction on this matter would kill their friends or family before something bad happens in order to be intellectually consistent on this point. (Note to self: put together list of those you "care about most").

3. Stop being guilty about drinking so much. Drinking is fun and makes everything way better. The more you drink, the better things will be. If expressed as a math equation: 25 Pina Coladas/Day + No Guilt = Successful Fun Life. Also, one more thing. I love all of the readers of my blog. I love you guys, I do. The first time I met you, I thought you were all assholes, but now I totally love you.

4. Encourage yourself to express your anger. This is an important one to not hold back on. Yelling is underrated, as is screaming as loud as you can. Especially to/at your children. It's the only way they will understand. Make yourself heard to your wife and children. Make yourself better in their eyes by being as loud and honest as you can. This will help everyone.

5. Stop being so confused. Your first answer to a question or situation is usually the best answer, so go with it. Don't over-intellectualize. Don't ask questions. It's better to apologize than ask permission. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. This is not a confession, so don't read anything into this. Don't feel like you have to justify anything by unprompted denials. I'm not justifying anything, nothing happened. This is not an unprompted denial. Okay, onto number six.

6. See the good inside of you, not the bad. Or, stated another way: I see the glass 15% full, not 85% empty.

7. Prayer changes nothing. I haven't prayed since my mid-20's (an embarrassment in and of itself to admit (praying at all, that is)), but just in case I start getting into old habits and revert, I want to nip this one in the bud right now. Praying to God is essentially mumbling to yourself like a homeless person. Actually, I've talked with a lot of homeless people, and even they've stopped praying. Why most people don't equate praying with insanity is completely beyond The General.

8. More boners. Enough said. (Note: This is more of your own boners, not somebody else's. Dealing with your own boner is a very pleasurable experience. Dealing with somebody else's boner is not pleasurable, except to approximately 9.7% of the American male population).

9. Let yourself off the hook. You don't really have anything to live for, but that doesn't mean that you're not important to the people around you. Mostly because they have even less to live for, so by comparison, you look really good. Take heart in your razor thin advantage over your family and the rest of the masses.

10. To not have friends, you have to not be a friend. Don't be afraid to shut people out. You can be the change you seek, even if that change means being isolated forever. This will greatly cut down on your expenses. Being frugal isn't just a financial consideration, it's an emotional one. Be frugal with your emotions, and the savings you reap will be substantial.

I feel like the preceding ten points are the foundation to a new and improved me. Please feel free to spread this virally across the web and let's get as many people as we can involved in curing General Malaise's Malaise!

e.e. cummings: grocery list 43...

2008-10-22T14:11:00.000-07:00

a poem by milo deceiving

milk

oilet paper - (two

ply)

trash

bags

tooth paste

bread (whole

wheat)

sugar-

c(off)ee (nescafe)

paper

plates

soa p: ivory

frozen lemon+ade

"grapes?"

b u n s

Fan Mail...

2008-10-16T10:11:00.000-07:00

A short story by Milo Deceiving

Hi Everybody!

Sleeping Beauty has kissed me on the lips and awakened me from a long and glorious slumber! It's true! I just returned from an exciting journey around the world that took me to the golden beaches of Australia. I was there on a convention tour promoting my new booklet, "Unleash Your Creative Vision!" with coauthor Christopher Venezuela. We met so many wonderful and generous people! The beaches were much like Florida's, only cleaner--and the women were absolutely delicious. Their accents drove me crazy!

I've been busier in the last three weeks that I have in my whole life. I'm finally beginning to do what I've always wanted to--create a life with other people who share a common vision and desire!

As you can all tell I've fallen a little behind with my fan mail again. That's so typical! Thank you all for the continued patience, love, and support--because without you, I'd just be me. Enough yapping, onto the fan mail!

Onward & Inward,

Raymond

Dear Raymond,

Ever since Passion Cove went off the air I haven't seen you in anything. What have you been doing? -Melissa.

Dear Melissa,

Taking my life back, that's what! For starters, I lead a series of corporate lectures called, "Taking It All Back!" They focus on shaking up our foundations and challenging us to move beyond our limited ways of thinking. All ten people at my recent Hollywood lecture were able to break boards with their bare hands! They also agreed it was a very nourishing place to rediscover their heart's desires. It was inspiring to watch them realize how powerful they truly are. There were many breakthroughs, a lot of laughs, and a few tears. It was a tremendous bonding experience for all of us.

Dear Raymond,

Is it true that ever since Passion Cove was cancelled you've had trouble getting acting jobs? -Sharon.

Dear Sharon,

Hardly. My radio show, "You Can Do It!" is going very strong every Sunday night at 2:30 AM (PST). I'm also putting together a film co-op with several very talented actor friends of mine. As I've always said, my heart lies in trying to create high quality films that cost very little to make. Also, I recently took a meeting with a cable-access producer who was very excited about my ideas. He said he'd be in touch very soon so cross your fingers!

Dear Raymond,

When you were on Passion Cove did you ever have any real-life romances with any of the leading ladies? -Stacie.

Dear Stacie,

Unfortunately no romances bloomed on the show, although I did have a secret crush on Sarah Perkins, Anne Morris, Monica Stevens, Michelle Ford, Carol White, Mary Patterson, Laurel Franklin, Jessica Truman, Becky Reynolds, and Tina Andrews. I consider them all dear friends.

Dear Raymond,

As Dr. Fuego on Passion Cove, you worked with so many wonderful actors. Who would you like to work with again? -Dawn.

Dear Dawn,

See answer to previous question.

Dear Raymond,

I've heard rumors of a Passion Cove reunion, is that really true? -Holly.

Dear Holly,

Even it if it were, I'm not sure it's something I'd be interested in doing. I've grown a lot since then. Lately, my most gratifying work has been done on the stage. The writing is better, the characters richer, and it's a much more fulfilling experience than television ever was. I've also been busy developing a new card game.

Dear Raymond,

Do you regret Passion Cove being cancelled? I'll bet it was pretty good money. -Wendy.

Dear Wendy,

I was on Passion Cove three years ago. I've done a lot of things with my life since then. Take a look at my comic book Microscopic Militia for example--it's sold over 500 copies in two months! American infantrymen are miniaturized and injected into the bloodstream of their enemies. They literally attack them from the inside! It's creative, provocative, and the kids love it. I ask you, Wendy, just because a man is the size of a white blood cell, does that make him any less of a patriotic American?

Dear Raymond,

My friend Bill saw you at the supermarket and said you threw a tomato at him when he asked about Passion Cove. Is that true? -Grace.

Dear Grace,

I have never thrown a tomato at anyone in my life. But I've sure had a few thrown at me--on stage that is!

Dear Raymond,

Did you really have sex with a chicken? If so, was it on the set of Passion Cove? -Linda.

Dear Linda,

That case was thrown out.

Dear Raymond,

Next to Tilden St. Claire and Bert Donaldson, I thought you were the sexiest actor on Passion Cove. How come they're still on TV and you're not? -Emma.

Dear Emma,

Let's just say that certain P.C. cast members whose initials are T.S.C. and B.D. were better at, how should I say this tactfully, better at kissing the grossly obese asses of the megalomaniac producers. Those so-called "producers" were not interested in anything other than scoring coke and "bumping uglies with sixteen year-old mattress thrashers." I don't wish ill on anyone, but the lack of professionalism on that producing team was disgusting. Those men were the antithesis of what I'm trying to do with my life. They were nothing but sleazy, money-grubbing, self-aggrandizing tit merchants.

Dear Raymond,

If you could play any character besides Dr. Louis Fuego on Passion Cove, who would it be? -Molly.

Dear Molly,

That's easy, Ghandi. Ghandi or Jesus.

If you would like to purchase any of Raymond's tapes, booklets, card games, comics, magic tricks, recipes, or if you would like to have him speak at a luncheon or seminar, please mail your check or money order (in U.S. funds) to:

RAYMOND EDGAR PRODUCTIONS, LLC

P.O. BOX 3479

CHATSWORTH, CA 90064

Just Who Is General Malaise?...

2008-10-09T21:04:00.000-07:00

As I received exactly zero reader comments on my inaugural post, it occurred to me there must be a vast, silent majority of fans out there who are interested in knowing more about the real General Malaise. Is he really a General? Is he as handsome as his prose suggests? Was he born with extra fingers or toes? (Yes to all three questions, incidentally). In an effort to be more accessible to my readers, I am reprinting the following interview I gave to the New York Times several years ago which delves into my thoughts on a wide variety of subjects:

When were you happiest?

If you define happiness as a state of well-being and contentment, then I have no idea what you're talking about.

What is your greatest fear?

That I am too beautiful for this world.

What is your earliest memory?

Running down the crack of my mama's ass and ending up a brown stain on the mattress.

Which living person do you most admire?

My auto-biographer.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

That I'm a dribbler and not a spurter.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Leaving their used band-aids in my shower.

What was your most embarrassing moment?

When I publicly declared myself the Son of God on Larry King Live, only to be corrected by Tonya Harding that Jesus Christ had beaten me to it by several thousand years.

What is your most treasured possession?

My "Bowl of Scabs Since Birth" collection.

What makes you depressed?

That I wasn't bright enough to create the Girls Gone Wild video franchise.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?

That I'm frequently mistaken for an S & M Bear. Not good.

What is your most unappealing habit?

Using toenail clippings instead of coconut shavings to make deep fried coconut shrimp.

What is your guiltiest pleasure?

Killing small animals without my pulse rising or remorse.

What do you owe your parents?

A never-ending stream of hate mail for ever bringing me into this goddamned fucking world. Other than that, I'm quite fond of them.

To whom would you most like to say sorry, and why?

To all the women I've made love to but who required an emergency episiotomy afterwards because of my size.

What is the definition of love?

For women, it's intimacy, security and trust. For men, it starts with a 'buh' and ends with a 'low job'.

Wh0 or what is the love of your life?

Who.

What is your favorite smell?

Let me sit on that one for a moment.

Have you ever said 'I love you' and not meant it?

The appropriate question is have I ever said it and actually meant it once?

Which living person do you most despise, and why?

Milo Deceiving, for reasons only he and I will ever know.

What is the worst job you've ever done?

I believe it's called fatherhood.

What has been your biggest disappointment?

The individual accomplishments of my family and friends. Nobody's stepped up once.

If you could edit your past, what would you change?

I would redact every major bout of diarrhea from the record.

If you could go back in time, where would you go?

I would travel to 1985 and sit in on the recording session of Huey Lewis's 'Back in Time'.

How do you relax?

By staring directly into the sun twenty minutes a day.

How often do you have sex?

With my spouse, twice a week. If masturbation is included in the definition of sex, then on the advice of counsel I respectfully assert my Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination.

What is the closest you have come to death?

Actually dying.

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?

An unlimited supply of Mojo Potatoes.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Getting up every morning before eleven o'clock.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?

I prefer to think of it as I'm teaching life a thing or two.

Tell us a secret.

The password is 'Frisbatarianism'.

10 Commandments (1st Draft)...

2008-10-06T23:19:00.000-07:00

By YAHWEH

1603 BC

A short story by Milo Deceiving

On a recent excavation near the Mount Sinai region, several amateur archeologists unearthed an antiquated stone tablet. Though its authenticity is being hotly contested by theologians the world over, leading scientists say initial tests show the table to be thousands of years old. On the tablet was chiseled the following text:

1. You shall have no other gods before me. Behind me or to the side is just fine, just not in front. If they are in front, please make sure they are crouched or kneeling.

2. You shall not make for yourself a graven image.

Note to SELF: Not exactly sure what this one means but I like the word "graven". It's mysterious, a little goth, and has undeniable edge. On the next pass, try and find a word that rhymes with graven for alliteration.

Second Note: Graven Image would make a great band name. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Graven Image! I like this even more now. Tell Mitch about it at lunch.

3. You shall not take the name of your God in vain. If it's any other god, fine, I really don't give a shit. Just don't put him before me. Wait, I covered that already. See 1.

4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Also abstain from Parmesan cheese.

5. Honor your father and your mother on a biweekly basis with Certificates of Achievement. The presentation shall be followed promptly by an incest party and is to include both cake and punch.

6. You shall not murder. Except for your brother, your son, your daughter, your wife, or any friend who wants to serve other gods. I recommend a sword, but a rock will also work. Don't go easy on uppity slaves or cattle either.

7. You shall not commit adultery on the Sabbath. Monday through Saturday is totally cool, but keep it in your robe on Sunday. And sodomitic abomination is reserved specifically for Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.

Note to SELF: Limit sodomitic abomination to only three days a week? Something to think about.

Second Note: Sodomitic Abomination would make a pretty badass band name. I'm definitely giving Mitch some good options here. The only name he's come up with so far is Cosmic Dust Bunnies. Talk about lame.

8. You shall not steal second base at any point during the game.

9. You shall not covet your neighbor's house, you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his manservant, or his maidservant, or his ox, or his ass, or anything that is your neighbor's.

Note to SELF: Too topical? Nah, go with it. Everyone will always have asses and oxen.

Overall Thoughts: Off to a good start. Some pretty profound stuff here. On the next pass, look for ways to trim it down a little. Economy is key. Also, is 10 really the way to go? Would it seem more substantial if it were 50 or 100? Something to think about. Get feedback from Mitch then present him with a Certificate of Achievement.

Milo's Lists: #1...

2008-10-02T01:43:00.000-07:00

Hello, my name is Milo Deceiving. By way of introduction, I like to make lists. Of everything. Here are some examples:

REJECTED BIBLE TITLES

Misogynistic Bigots Are We
God's Big Book of Implausible Stories
Prophet For Profit
God's Strangest Punishment
The X-Files
McDonalds: We've Killed Billions of Animals For Your Sins

FAILED CHILDREN'S BOOKS

See Spot Run Then Get Caught and Disemboweled
The Biggest Epidemic Ever
Larry's Last Breath
The Festering Prostitute
Clifford the Big Red Dog Licks His Big Red Nuts
Your Secret Garden
Unicorn On the Cob
The Sound and the Furry
Mopey Dick: The Saddest Whale Ever

FAILED HORROR MOVIES

Night of the Peanut Moths
Nocturnal Emissions
The Invisible Smell
Mexican Ghostbusters
Wolfman of Alcatraz
The Return and Subsequent Disappearance of the Living Dead
Night of the Day
The Indivisible Man
Creature From the Blue Lagoon

BAD LOVE SONG TITLES

Put Your Acne Scars Next To Mine
The Way Your Colostomy Bag Looks Tonight
If U Leave Me Now (I'll Hunt Your Fucking Ass Down & Kill U)
All Out of Sperm
I Want 2 Know What Love (With 2 Women at the Same Time) Is
In Your Eyes (Sorry About That)
Your Glory Hole Lips
Your Eyes Glimmer During Your Epileptic Seizures
Spit On It and Call Me Col. Mustard (In the Library w/ the Pipe)
Spina Bifida

LESBIAN TENNIS PLAYERS BORN ON NOVEMBER 22, 1943 IN LONG BEACH, CALIFORNIA

Billie Jean King

Lists help me organize my thoughts. Expect more of them. Also expect short stories and a full frontal assault on greed, hypocrisy, cruelty, superstition, and anything else that needs a verbal beat down. General Malaise and I are up to the challenge. Are you?

Yours in Deception,

Milo Deceiving

The Inaugural Post...

2008-10-01T23:15:00.000-07:00

General Malaise was angry and sad tonight. For a variety of reasons too boring to go into here. Suffice it to say I decided to do something productive about this anger and sadness, so I got on the treadmill to work things out. Not that I exercised. Rather, I just sat on the treadmill and ate two McRib sandwiches. You might be asking yourselves, "Aren't McRib sandwiches out of season? And if so, where did General Malaise get two of them?" Let's just say General Malaise, through respect for his vast military accomplishments and for his daily drive-thru patronage, has many favors owed him by local McDonald's manager Gilberto Gonzalez and leave the rest to be determined by my biographer.

I would like to officially welcome you to the High & Gruesome blog. I probably should have written that first. But then again, this blog seeks to explore all things out of sync with "real life", so perhaps the belated greeting is appropriately placed. I have no idea what this blog will transform into ultimately, but I can say with some assurance that it will do its best to avoid relying on the witticisms of Mr. T too much. There will be a concerted effort to use poo-poo naughty language a lot, because poo-poo naughty language tends to make the fearful simple people (FSP's) angry. I try to go out of my way to be kind to FSP's, but sometimes it's really hard not to want to hurt them, and hurt them badly (mostly for how their votes cancel out mine in the general election; and before you say it, 'general election' is not a colleague of mine). I also personally promise to be as sexually explicit and tasteless as possible when the need arises. For example, Wikipedia defines the "Rusty Trombone" as follows:

"Rusty Trombone is a euphemism for a sexual act in which a man stands with his knees and back slightly bent, with feet at least shoulder width apart in order to expose the anus [1]. The other partner typically is on his or her knees behind the man and performs analingus while reaching up beneath the testicles or around the body to masturbate the man, mimicking the motions of a trombone player [1][2]. The act is defined primarily by the physical orientation of the partners and the combination of analingus with manual penile stimulation; however, other positions and variations are possible [2]."

General Malaise finds this fascinating. Wikipedia goes on to say:

"There are numerous health risks involved in coming into oral contact with a person's anus. There is a risk of infection from coming in direct contact with human feces. Consuming feces increases the risk of infection. The health risks include such diseases as infectious hepatitis and parasitic intestinal infections [citation needed]."

One of the best things about this health warning is that it seemingly does not have any downsides for diabetics. General Malaise has been afflicted with diabetes for most of his life, and virtually everything is a pitfall for those with a dysfunctional pancreas. Glad to see that a Rusty Trombone didn't make the list and I can now have someone practice good ambesure on my asshole without fear of my blood sugar rising! It could be the breakthrough of the century!

In short, I am less angry and sad now after kicking off the inaugural post. I have no idea what my associate Milo Deceiving might be doing with his half of the blog, but like all great knee-jerk reactionaries, he has something to work off of now. Welcome readers to the High & Gruesome family. I salute you.

Best,

General Malaise